This week is the week. As I prepare to teach a communications class at the girl’s home, my mind fills with anticipation and fear. On one side, I am excited and thrilled for the chance of a lifetime to speak into girls’ lives and hopefully make a difference in the way they view the world, as well as the way they view themselves. What I have dreamed and craved to do for so long is finally coming to life. Yet, fear has crept in my heart and has made itself at home. My overwhelming feeling of excitement and joy is now being crowded out by the foul taste of fear. It was not always there, but one visit was all it took.
Last week, I had the opportunity to visit the girl’s home and it was an experience I will never forget. I will never forget what I saw, heard, or felt. When I stepped into the house, I immediately made eye contact with one of the girls. My heart sank as I saw in her young, yet wildly beautiful eyes in deep pain. For reasons I cannot explain, it felt as though her sufferings, burdens, and pain shifted onto my shoulders. Although I cannot ever feel what they felt, it was as though the sting of their past and their feelings were placed in my heart. I toured the house, feeling very uncomfortable with the pain I felt. From time to time, I would overhear conversations from the girls, and I felt torn. I knew that God had called me to this ministry, but I did not think I could handle it. I thought to myself, “How could God place such a load on my shoulders when He knows how incapable and weak I am?” To be honest, I left the home feeling defeated, confused, and very heartbroken.
When I got home, I began to question whether I heard from God about this ministry. Did he really think a 19-year-old college student new to the field of communications could really teach these girls about life? Besides, weren’t there other people he could use– ones who were more experienced and wiser?
Restlessly, I tossed and turned in bed that night, when I was suddenly reminded of a verse I used to cling to when I was a child: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” God had so clearly and purposely called me to Wellspring Living. I knew that my fear of failure, and indescribable affliction I felt from seeing the girls was just an excuse from doing what God had called me to do. I prayed that night and placed the pain, burdens, and sorrow I had taken on at the home at the feet of Jesus.
So, on Thursdays, I will be teaching girls, who have experienced more tragedies than any young child should have to face, about communication and the benefits of social media. I anticipate resistance, but expect God to be glorified. I am weak, but He is not. He is strong and able, and has placed this rare opportunity in my hands, so I can glorify Him.
Instead of questioning the situation God has given me, I will follow him and believe that I am able to accomplish the goal he has set before me, through Christ who has given me strength.